--still editing thinspiration---

wow i havent updated in a long time, Ive been so busy with school and auditions so im really stressed right now. and also Im sick. I think im gettting the flu or something. But on a positive side the last thing im thinking about right now is food. Now when i even smell food it makes me sick to my stomach. I havent been fasting for the last couple of days because i have been in lancaster california with my aunt oh an she loves to cook...and she also loves to make kids wat til their stomach is about ot burst..

but now that im home im ready to restart my fast. but you know what im so tired of re-starting it and being so weak. im not only determined now but im fed up with failing at everything. and for some odd reason everytime i decided to fast my parents start cooking more then usuall but when im not fasting they don't cook...what is up with that?? oh well my mom knows im not feeling to well right now so she isnt going to force me to eat anything. and i have a sore throat so of course im not going to eat any solid foods

I know this is weird but i have painted my nails brightpink and im planning on fasting til my nail polish fades away or til i lose 10 pounds. Then after that im going to paint them bright red.Maybe that will help me stay focused. lol..who knows

okay yall i have some awful news I BROKE MY FAST i was on my third day but my friend meshay is at my house right now and last night she got hungry so we went out to eat. I wasnt even hungry i just ate with her, and shes so skinny so she wouldnt understand why im fasting but i feel so stupid oh well im starting again today NOTHING CAN STOP ME oh and i gained all the weight back that i have lost these three days just because i ate last night

 gosh i really HATE FOOD

*~*~1:01pm~*~* I eat to live, not live to eat.

when i woke up this morning disgusted with myself for breaking my fast of course i have already decided that I am starting over today. and i was going to get out of bed so i can go exercise but instead i just stayed there thinking of why i want to lose weight.

There are so many reason to why i want to be skinny but mainly because when i look at all the pretty actresses in my class i notice that they are all thin and energentic while i am chubby and lazy.I know yall probably noticed that most actresses are extremely thin, and its a pattern going on with them losing more  and MORE weight. but now i understand why. Being an actress puts so much pressure on you to be thin not only because it gets you more jobs, but even if you are happy with your body you are being watched by millions of people who judge you eventhough they dont know you. for example when hilary duff wasnt so skinny people hated her and talked about her because of her WEIGHT and not her talent.

which only proves that everyone loves beautiful people. and eventhough its just a body weight it really does reflect my personality and confidence level which also effects the way i perform.

also i realized that BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT and me being unhappy with my body in general, i havent dated yet. I know im 16 and should of already had atleast one boyfriend by now, ive been asked out plenty of times and i turned them all down even if i did like them and thats because I believe that i have to be comfortable with myself before i can be comfortable with someone else..as far as a boyfriend goes.

And I also dont like to go shopping I know you might be surprised by me saying this but i truely dont like going shopping only because im so disgusted with myself and the way I look in jeans. so I have came to the conclusion that im not going to wear anything besides loose sweat-pants NO JEANs just loose pants til i get in shape.

well since i got all of my thoughts out i now know what i HAVE to do in order to be successful and happy with myself and thats LOSE WEIGHT so nothing is stopping me now.

       AND THATS MY MOTIVATION

sorry for all the grammar errors and this long worthless post i just had some stuff i needed to get out and now i feel much better

My fast is  going  awesomely woot woot

i will update later

*~*~10:08am*~*~

I just weighed myself and im down to 137 so i lost 1 pound since yesterday yay go me! lol im about to go do some exercises til im about to faint

stay stong beautiful people

*~*~12:21pm*~*~

wow right now im so hungry, I don't feel weak yet im just craving so many foods. I also just finished doing some sit-ups..I didnt do alot because im so lazy but atleast i tried. Yesterday i started this new aerobics tape called "yoga booty ballet" its a mixture of yoga  and ballet that i ordered from online. Its really good and hard! and i know if i work at it everyday i will get fast results...but again Im too lazy!

I need someone to yell at me because for some reason i never finish what i start and thats a bad habbit im trying to get rid of.

I have my acting class tonight and usually afterwards we go out to dinner because there is this mexican food restaurant right next to my class..but im going to try to resist not eating. My mom is so cool when i don't eat she doesnt think much of it, I know she doesnt know that i wanna be ana and all that but the good thing about it is that she doesn't harrass me when i skip meals.

so basically there is nothing stopping me from completing this fast and losing 20 pounds... i just have to be tolerant with myself and stay motivated. and thank you all for your encouragement.